Teddy Roosevelt, MUTHAFUCKA!
- "Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat. "
- —Roosevelt being badass
Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt was the 26th president of the United States, who served three badass terms in the White House. Born from a single strand of God's hair, Ted became a renowned champion in bear-wrangling and moose-riding. His wit and charisma helped to create one of the most plentiful periods in the history of American democracy. His badassery remained unchallenged and widely-feared. No foreign nation dared to challenge the States during his time in office. During one of his most famous speeches, not even a .32-caliber bullet to the chest could phase him. He continued to speak even after the bullet was lodged inside him.
Unfortunately, on January 16, 1919, the esteemed badass passed peacefully in his sleep.
"Death had to take him sleeping," said Vice President Thomas R. Marshall. "For if Roosevelt had been awake, there would have been a fight."
- After shooting a bear cub during a hunting trip, he decided to kill it in order to put it out of its misery. "Teddy" Bears were subsequently named in his honor.